Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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