I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize