I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
