I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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