just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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