Got a toothbrush?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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