she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
God, I missed his penis.
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