Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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