If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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