i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize