The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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