Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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