one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
