the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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