better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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