It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
