I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
