Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
