i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Come share oat with me in your robe
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Text me some of your sweat
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
