Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize