Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
