I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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