she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
