Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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