I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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