Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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