Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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