Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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