we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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