I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
