I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
