Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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