a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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