Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
