We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
last night I used snow as a chaser
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
