You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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