Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
not ubering you a puppy
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
