eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
