what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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