3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
