please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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