Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
