Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
