i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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