That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
