he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
