Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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