Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
