how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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