oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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