Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
