I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize