I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
