I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
