so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
