Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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