I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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