Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
