I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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