dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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